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Friday, December 31, 2010

Happy New Year or Not!

Photographer: jscreationzs

2010 was not a good year for me and perhaps that’s why I’m hesitant to celebrate 2011. I was invited to go out tonight but decided not to go. And to be honest, I have no energy left in me from the running around I do all day, everyday. Tonight, I just want to sit next to my heater, drink my hot Chamomile tea and do absolutely nothing. I know I sound like an old lady but life threw me too many curves this year and truly wore me out.

Nothing turned out the way I wanted and many events took place which were beyond my control. Every time something happened, someone would say, “sorry but it’s not my fault.” And my answer was, "yes, it was not your fault, but somehow I’m always the one paying for all the mistakes others make." At times, I want to pack up and take off without leaving a trace behind – somewhere where no one knows me so that I can do what I want without all the constant interruptions.

The phone in my house rings often and I know that my friends and family mean well and want to see how I’m doing, but there are times when I just don’t feel like talking. I want to go to bed, pull the covers over my head and never wake up. But I can’t do that; can I? I have endless responsibilities and as one ends, another begins. Does life ever get easier? What’s the purpose to all this? What lessons am I to learn? Are some of the questions I ask myself and have not yet found the answers. So, with that note, I will leave 2010 tonight and wake up in an uncertain 2011. I just hope that it will be better than 2010.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Thank goodness for dreams because without them, life would be boring

Photographer: Simon Howden

I haven’t written anything in a longtime. I feel completely blocked and unmotivated. Although I do like cooler temperatures, this time of year isn’t one of my favorites. The days are shorter and the nights long. At 5:00 p.m. it feels like it’s time for bed. Perhaps I’m spoiled because I grew up in L.A – mild temperatures and lots of sunshine. In college, I used to take my accounting book to the beach; my roommate would bring along her business law book. We’d sip on ice tea and get a tan while doing our homework.

Why am I babbling away about this? I don’t know. I’m just in a weird space. It’s been dark and cloudy for the past three days. It finally rained a bit today and I feel nostalgic. I try not to think about the past because I cannot change it and I try not to think about the future because it hasn’t yet arrived. All I have is the present but sometimes when I’m not content with the present, my mind starts to travel back or leap forward.

Today for some odd reason or another, I feel a deep emptiness. I try hard to shake it but it doesn’t want to go away. I can’t really explain it. It’s just how I feel. I guess I need a vacation – at least a week away from everything where I can visit museums, inhale a new city and culture and have no responsibilities. Ahhh…that would be so great. Okay, so I just leaped to the future, thinking about all the possibilities of where I’d go and who I would go with…

Thank goodness for dreams because without them, life would be boring.